


Unemployment and Commitment

by spookyscaryiwachan



Series: Firefighters [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A little angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Nishiki is wise and helpful and Yomo is silent but supportive, a little bit of ayahina, haven't written in months but I tried, nishikimi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 06:02:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14326161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyscaryiwachan/pseuds/spookyscaryiwachan
Summary: After losing his job, Kaneki is unsure of himself, Touka feels guilty and it's up to Nishiki and Kimi to help the other two understand themselves and each other.





	Unemployment and Commitment

**Author's Note:**

> Please enjoy (thanks to the person who inspired and encouraged me to keep writing this au even though it took me a while to actually do anything about it, I hope they like it).

It takes only a couple days for the hospital to release him ( _there's nothing else to do_ , they said, _only to keep track of your progress_ ). It actually makes him feel better, as he had begun to miss their little apartment, and definitely missed sleeping beside Touka-chan.

Touka is there, and Nishiki shows up, with Kimi, to drive them back to their apartment. It's kind (coming from Nishiki), but Nishiki complains for the entirety of the lift, because the night the hospital kicked out Kaneki had to be his only night off in weeks and he and Kimi were supposed to go out.

Touka is telling him to shut up, and Kaneki and Kimi laugh, listening to their bickering. Kaneki is extremely relaxed, and happy, because it's been a while since everything has felt so casual, and Touka-chan is holding his hand, and it's so nice, and he feels the urge to kiss her, but he can't, because there are two other people with them.

Once at their apartment building, it takes a while to get Kaneki out of the car, but it's fine, because Touka is supporting him the whole time, letting him lean against her as her arms wrap around his waist.

Kaneki doesn't even have the time to thank Nishiki and Kimi for dropping them home, because Nishiki drives off the moment they're out of the car, not even bothering to help Touka get Kaneki up the stairs and to the apartment, and even though he's long gone, Touka still shouts 'dickhead', and Kaneki giggles because it was so loud and it's late and the neighbours probably heard.

Her face narrows playfully as she threatens to drop him, but he just leans on her a little more until she looks at him, a little annoyed, and he really can't wait and kisses her.

'I really love you.'

'Me too. But save that for later because you're heavy and I still have to carry you up the stairs.'

They both laugh but Kaneki _is_ getting harder to carry so they slowly get to their apartment (Touka is close to dropping him, but she manages to hold out). She drags him to their bed and both collapse onto it (she is mindful of his leg) and Kaneki thanks her and kisses her head and wraps his arms around her and they end up falling asleep quick and very early.

They wake up pretty late that morning and are, of course, starving. He offers to make breakfast, and Touka freaks. So she does breakfast, and coffee, and the coffee is the best part of the meal, because she's never been good at cooking but she at least tried.

They spend the whole day reading, even Touka (she usually just plays games on her phone or reads manga), which surprises him, and is even more surprised when she is looking at one of his cookbooks.

'Touka-chan!' She had been focused on the recipes and instructions, so Kaneki's sudden shout makes her squeal and drop the book, like she's been caught with something bad.

'What?' She sounds a little angry, but that's because her heart is pounding.

'Do you have an interest in cooking?'

She blushes, 'W-well, I know the breakfast I made today was, um, horrible, and we both know I can't cook for shit, a-and it's not like you're going to do the food yourself like before, and you can't just live on coffee for the next few weeks, s-so...' It's really embarrassing to say, even though Kaneki says that sort of stuff all the time. How can he say stuff like that with no shame?

She's caught off by his clouded gaze, full of love.

'Thanks, Touka-chan... You know, I... could also teach you... from the sidelines, like coaching.' It's not really easy to attempt cooking with just being told, but he's always been good at explaining things, and she slowly learns how to do simple dishes.

-

Her thumb rubs circles on his hand, getting his attention as he looks up, 'I'm going back to work tomorrow. It's been almost two weeks... and I'm afraid of leaving Yomo-san alone for too long - he's so quiet that he might scare off everyone. I'm sorry.'

'N-no, It's—I'll be fine.'

'You sure?' He nods, and she squeezes his hand, 'I'll come back on my lunch break, so don't worry. I'm here to take care of you.'

'I love you.'

'You say that a lot.'

'I mean it... every time.'

-

He's lonely.

Sitting in that uncomfortable hospital bed with a small television and old magazines is better than staying alone in an apartment with just books and no Touka-chan. Since she's gone back to work, he's stuck at home, on the couch. Touka keeps her promise and comes to visit on her break to do food and keep him company. The time is too short but he still treasures it (it's his favourite part of the day).

A few weeks later his leg is pretty much healed (it's faster than she expected, and he tells her he's always been quick). He can actually stand easily and without pain, but he tries to move and ends up tripping; luckily, Touka-chan is there to catch him and tell him he can't try anything when she's at work. It turns out to be smart, as he had disobeyed her the next day - his knees buckled and he slipped. It didn't hurt, but she made a fuss when she came back on her lunch break to find him on the floor and unable to get up (it was much more than a fuss, she dragged him to the couch and scolded him like he's a child - he did deserve it, honestly).

With her assistance and support he is finally able to walk, and when she's about to make lunch, he stands behind her and wraps his arms around her waist, nuzzling her cheek.

'I can teach you how to cook properly now, Touka-chan.' He stands beside her as she tries to use the stove, but his closeness is really distracting and she ends up burning the food.

'I should handle the meals from here.' He sighs, and Touka agrees. She doesn't attempt cooking again.

-

It's been two weeks since he could walk again, and Kaneki is dying.

Well... not dying, because he feels better (his burns are no longer painful), but he is incredibly bored.

Touka-chan had said that until his bandages are off, he shouldn't push himself. Which they are, almost, except, unsurprisingly, his eye.

He doesn't remember the last time he got to do absolutely nothing all day (it must've been when he was a child, but he barely remembers those years, so he's not sure if it counts). There's not much to do around the apartment, and although Touka encourages him to go outside, he doesn't feel ready for it.

Before the accident, on his days off with Touka, they'd be doing something, even if it was as simple as reading at home while holding hands. Somehow... reading without the presence of Touka isn't as fun anymore. So, all day, he waits, waits for Touka to get home so he can pull her against him and go to sleep with her by his side, just like he has since he got back from the hospital.

-

Touka eyes the clock, constantly. The customers are pretty sparse, so she takes off her apron, calling to Yomo,

'I'm going on my lunch break.'

As she has done for weeks, she walks back to their apartment, quickly opening the door and shuffling in.

'I'm here!' She calls out.

Kaneki perks up, his head peers over the couch, and he pushes himself up, slowly walking towards her.

'You don't have to get up every time I come here.' He shouldn't push himself.

'I know, but I want to do... this.' He pulls her into him and strokes her hair.

Touka buries her face in his chest, groaning, and says, 'We haven't got the time for your corny affection. You need to eat, and I'm here to supervise you so you don't do anything that can hurt you more.'

'You sound so authoritative.' His voice is husky as he chuckles and tugs her chin up, planting a kiss and biting her bottom lip.

'What's with that tone?! Make lunch.'

He laughs, slipping his tongue against hers, feeling the hands that were pushing his chest wrapping around his neck.

They break apart when his legs begin to sway, and Touka looks worried. He just felt a little overwhelmed, that's all.

'I always feel that way when I kiss you.' He tries to cover up, but Touka doesn't buy it, bringing him to sit at the kitchen table.

'Not now. I'll... try to make lunch.'

'That's not a good idea.' Kaneki says, and she glares at him, though he does turn out to be right (they end up with toast and coffee, and Touka has to leave before she can have any of her stuff, so she says there's extra for him).

They stand, and he stares at her features, admiring her beauty, then presses a thumb underneath her eye and strokes, 'Touka-chan,' he mutters, 'you're getting eye bags. It's not good.' _And it's my fault_ \- he knows.

After they got back from the hospital, he was in a lot of pain, as he could barely move, and each little shift would leave him in pain. She couldn't really do anything but watch him writhe in pain, could barely do anything but hope the television or her constant rambling distracts him until the painkillers take effect.

It's even harder for him to sleep, each burn and scrape keeping him awake, and his only solution is to reach for a book and read until he's so tired he drops. Touka is quick to notice this routine of sorts, and stays up with him, something that is both comforting and disturbing to him (lack of sleep has a toll on her, but she ignores his worries and keeps going). Now he can see the effects.

'I'm fine,' she reassures, taking his hand and pulling it against her cheek, and rests her own hand against him, for his warmth, 'But I've really got to get going now.'

He sees her to the door and kisses her goodbye, and goes back to his table, and eats even though he doesn't really have the appetite for it (Touka would be disappointed if he wasted the food).

Being alone gives him time to ponder.

Why is he home, while she has to overwork herself for their sake, while he could be working himself, with Nishiki, doing something productive? If only wasn't he wasn't so useless as to get himself injured in the first place.

He checks his injuries - squeezes his leg, and prods the marks of his burns, and feels no pain at all. Soon enough he'll be free of bandages or plasters - he'll look normal again (as normal as he can).

It makes him anxious.

As bored as he is, being forced to stay in their apartment means he is safe from stranger's views. Everyone but the staff had given him funny looks in the hospital, and it makes him anxious to even think about going outside.

The only one who acts normal with him is Touka, and she is all he needs.

To be honest with himself, he knows his eye is the real problem. Every hospital appointment, the nurses offer for him to see it's (apparently) healing state, but he always declines and allows them to finish changing the bandages (his only wish to be be as fast as possible so he can get home quicker, to Touka).

He's only ever seen his eye once, when it was fresh and disgusting and horribly painful, on the day before leaving. The hospital staff assured him it will clear up (Kaneki is skeptical at how much better it can get - he knows there will be scarring and he will have to cover it). Since then, he hasn't bothered to check, hasn't curiously unwrapped his bandages in the safety of his locked bathroom.

It's just something he has to deal with, and something he doesn't want to think about unnecessarily.

As of now, he is focusing on the banging on his door, which is definitely from Nishiki, who has come to pick him up for the hospital appointment that he might be late for.

In all honesty, he really doesn't want to go. He's afraid of the progress he'll be told he's made, how he's basically all better, how he won't have an excuse to stay indoors, and will have to show himself to everyone.

At the appointment, he doesn't let Nishiki come in with him, and is very surprised when the doctor tells him his eye is more or less good now, and give him an eyepatch instead of a fresh change of bandages, with a warning to be careful. The whole event takes longer than he expected, but he looks at the time and sees Touka should still be working, and will definitely get back before her (he didn't mention anything to her, so he's determined to be quick).

-

Back at the cafe, Touka hunches over a table and clears the cups and plates. She may have seen Kaneki around only half an hour ago, but she can't help but feel worried - it's tough leaving him alone for so long in his recovery.

Yomo stands behind her, watching her shuffle about. He's been working alongside Touka for a while now, and can see how her worries and doubts affect her work. She gets jittery and spaces out a lot.

He doesn't like seeing her tense, and he knows it's because of her boyfriend, so he tells her to go home and notices how shocked she is when she mutters a dazed 'thank you'.

It's not like she has to ask if Yomo is sure because he's already said it (she's learned that he only says what he means, and doesn't like to be argued with). Anyway, the only reason she would offer to stay is to be nice, but she's comfortable enough with Yomo to skip that part (he probably wouldn't appreciate it), so there's not much guilt on her part as she leaves the cafe.

If it were her choice, she wouldn't be going to work at all, but she can't abandon her cafe (nor does she want to), or Yomo, since he isn't particularly good with customers

The apartment isn't too far from :re (it only takes a few minutes, a benefit from moving in with Kaneki). Even so, she has the temptation to break out into a jog, but settles with a sharp march, so strangers won't stare at her.

She fumbles with the keys of her apartment building, and with none of her neighbours lingering, paces up the stairs until she's finally inside, kicking off her uncomfortable shoes with a call of 'Kaneki', just like she's been doing for weeks, and she is stricken with fear when there is no affectionate response, no Kaneki getting up to hold her against him as he has always done. There's an obvious conclusion.

He isn't here.

Where is he?

However, she shouldn't jump to conclusions just because he didn't answer her. Maybe he's sleeping, getting the rest she and the doctors have been urging him to get (he never listens, waiting until he hears Touka safe through the door - a sweet gesture, but she always pinches his cheek for it).

So she checks the rooms, expecting to find Kaneki relaxing somewhere, but all those hopeful thoughts are drained when he isn't anywhere, and her initial fear returns, which she tries to squash with thinking.

Obviously he's not at the apartment, even though he was before she left. Kaneki is against going out - he worries too much about his appearance, afraid of receiving strange looks or too much staring, so Touka has absolutely no idea where he could've gone. She checks her phone, hoping he has told her where he is, with his stupid kisses and smiley faces, but there is nothing.

Her only option is to wait, which she does, in silence, at the front door, for an amount of time she doesn't know before she hears the sound of keys.

She hears Nishiki's voice, unusually quiet, maybe even soft. Kaneki hobbles in after him, and when they catch sight of her, both staring wide-eyed, they go quiet. Her lips part.

'Where were you two?'

Nishiki looks to Kaneki, as if telling him to answer.

Kaneki gulps and takes a moment of silence before he speaks. 'I had an appointment at the hospital.'

'Oh.' It's all she can reply, and when she runs her eyes along him, she sees that the bandages that were on his leg and body are gone, and his eye no longer looks as serious and is covered in a simple medical eyepatch.

It's refreshing to see him looking so... him again, and she can't help but feel a little hurt.

'You didn't tell me.' She whispers, voice raw - she was scared.

His hand flies to his chin, 'I thought I did. Sorry, Touka-chan.'

As an awkward silence possess the apartment, Nishiki clears his throat, and pushes the door wider.

'I-uh... have to go now.' He says, uncomfortably sliding out of the apartment. He takes the liberty to close the door.

'I could have taken you.' Touka is quiet, but the silence makes her voice seem unbearably loud.

'You were at work. I... didn't want to disturb you.' Kaneki coughs, looking to Touka's shoes. 'Were you waiting long?'

'I guess not. Yomo-san let me off early.'

Kaneki nods, going to sit down, and Touka follows, hesitating on whether she should join him (she doesn't, instead going to make coffee, tensely).

'Would you like some?' She calls out, already grabbing two mugs (Kaneki can't resist her coffee). She almost misses his 'no thank you'.

That's fine. She coughs and walks, finally sitting next to Kaneki, feeling the warmth of the coffee mug seep into her hands. Kaneki says nothing, so she turns her head only slightly to find his gaze on the wall, flickering to the cup in her hands, then to the blank television.

'You sure?' She lifts the cup, ready to abandon her beverage if he wanted it.

He clears his throat, and in her peripheral she can see the small shake of his head, and he can't see the way her shoulders slouch.

The silence is awkward, and she clears her throat and taps the glass of her mug with her finger, 'You look better... I'm glad.' His head turns to her, catching her radiant smile.

He want to agree with her, but he can't, and therefore has no response except to slide his hand to hers and squeeze.

They stay like that for some time, and although it's become routine for them to do this, to enjoy the other's presence, Touka can't help but feel a little weird. When it's late, they wordlessly ready themselves for bed, in which Touka finishes first and crawls in. He joins her, after taking his book off the desk.

Kaneki likes to read before bed, a habit that relaxes him enough to sleep, and Touka has adapted herself ignore the sound of pages turning, and by the time he has finished, she is asleep. The light is still on, so he leans over, watching her face, her graceful features, the quietness giving him the space to think about earlier.

'I'm sorry.' He whispers and kisses her forehead. _For not telling you._

-

'Touka-chan?' He sits up and rubs his eyes, completely forgetting the eyepatch that is too thin to protect him. He hisses and slouches forward.

His gasp prompts Touka to still, and she quickly gives up on getting ready for work, taking three steps to Kaneki's side of the bed, placing her hand on his back in her attempts to soothe him.

'Are you okay?'

'Y-yeah.' It burns, and Touka knows. He takes short breathes, feeling very little comfort even when she increases the pressure on his back and rubs circles, but he appreciates her efforts.

Watching him like this makes Touka feel bitter, because his discomfort is something he wants to hide from her.

Partners are supposed to share their emotions, and that includes pain.

What good is she if she can't care for the one she loves.

'You know,' she starts, gesturing to his eyepatch, the source of his discomfort, 'Maybe you should let... your,' she points, '...eye breathe, occasionally,' she doubts he ever intends to take off the eyepatch.

'It's probably not good to sleep with that on?' Her slim fingers are dangerously close to his ear, poised, as if ready to take the eyepatch off herself.

'It's fine.' He says hastily, pretending not to notice the look she sports when he jerks away from the hand she is now awkwardly retracting. 'A-are you going to work now?'

Touka is too busy staring at her own hand to reply straight away, and when she does, murmurs 'Uh... yeah.' She finishes adjusting her skirt, and does a small check in the mirror to make sure she looks presentable.

'I'm leaving a bit earlier than usual, to help Yomo-san, so you should try to sleep in a bit longer.'

Kaneki recalls similar words.

_'It's too early, go to sleep.'_

The atmosphere feels a little cold now, but that doesn't stop Touka from pecking his cheek before leaving altogether.

He holds the spot her lips had been, and remembers the melancholic and startled look that tainted her beautiful features. It was the same as yesterday, with Nishio-senpai, when she knew he was lying about the appointment.

Kaneki doesn't even bother closing his eyes longer than it takes to blink, and gets up. His eye is acting up today, a sharp pain stabbing at his head. It's irritating.

He goes to the bathroom and locks the door, facing the wall as he steels himself, quivering as he turns to the mirror.

'I look funny.' He murmurs. The eyepatch is unnatural, annoying, and the material feels weird against his skin. Does Touka really think he looks better?

Touka's gone... so maybe it would be okay to actually listen to advice from his doctor, for once. His hands rise, then hesitate, then are steady with determination as he slowly untangles the strings of the eyepatch and wills his hands not to pathetically shake as he feels that pressure finally come off. He reminds himself that he needs to breathe and soon it becomes the only sound he can hear.

There is no immediate relief, so he waits, trying to calm himself. He slouches his shoulders, closes his other eye, freaking at the darkness he can see. No good. He tries again, reminds himself to take rhythmic breaths, thinks of Touka's warmth, everything. His heartbeat is peaceful.

He feels nothing and everything. His chest feels tight, and there's this desperate temptation to place his cold hand over the scarring. That's stupid, of course.

He focuses and actually sees himself in the glass, gasps, and steps back. It's bad, worse than he thought - repulsive - a true horror.

How can the doctor tell him he is healed, when his eye looks the way it does? He feels cold at the realisation that the doctor meant it isn't going to heal anymore - it will stay how it is.

There's no way Touka can see him like this, or anyone, for that matter.

He walks back until his back hits the wall, keeping his functioning eye trained on him, feeling his breath turn into short pants.

It's so... horrifying that he doesn't want to see it. He tries to leave, and forgets he locked the door when he rushed in. He wants to scream and freak out, and everything feels so horrible he wants to stab his other eye so he can't see at all.

He doesn't feel like he can move, but does, tipping forward until the glass fogs up with his pants

'W-what is this?'

'What the hell is this!'

He's crying now, trembling with emotions that feel different to sadness.

'Why... me?'

The mirror shattering is the only thing that brings him back, Kaneki shaking even more as his face distorts into broken panels of glass. His shoes crunch and and he finally tears his gaze away to see glass shards in his hand, and blood.

He is... such an idiot.

The eyepatch sits there, mockingly, and he quickly manoeuvres it on, grabbing a small towel as he leaves.

-

'Touka?' Yomo looks confused to see her there, and his weird gaze unsettles her to the point when she's cringing and shuffling her feet and slips in so the door can actually close behind her.

'Y-yes, Yomo-san?'

'Go home. Take a few days off and take care of your boyfriend.' She blushes, momentarily distracted before regaining herself and clearing her throat.

'What... what about :re?' Her arms swing, gesturing to the chairs that still need to be placed back, everything that needs to be sorted before opening time.

'I'm doing it.' His tone holds no emotion, except the illusion of finality that has Touka nodding her head as her hand warns on the doorknob again (she finally leaves when Yomo raises his eyebrow at her).

-

'I thought I made that clear yesterday.' Yomo whispers, when she's gone.

-

With the way she left things with Kaneki, the cold feeling she had, she doesn't want to go back straight away. She needs to think about what is wrong with him and how she can help.

Perhaps, she thinks, a walk could do her good. She allows herself to pace in any direction she feels, to enjoy the chirping of birds in the cool morning, to relax.

Her walk isn't as free as she originally thought it, when she ends up at the hospital entrance.

'Kirishima-san?' Touka turns her head, noticing someone she's only met a few times previously.

'Kimi-san...' Nishiki had mentioned this once, Touka thinks (a lot, actually; Nishiki likes to boast about how incredible his girlfriend is), that his Kimi is a respected doctor and had gotten a job at the same hospital Kaneki was admitted to (she only started around a week ago, so Touka doubts she will see him).

Kimi gives her a pleasant smile, 'Would you like to come in?'

It would be a good distraction, so of course she agrees.

'How is Kaneki-san? I haven't seen him since Nishiki-kun drove you two back.' Kimi asks, the two walking through the corridors. Several doctors and nurses pass them, reminding Touka of her time here, and Kaneki's.

'I...' she pauses, unsure of how much she should share. 'Don't know. He came here yesterday, but he didn't tell me how it went.' Kimi's a doctor, maybe she heard something and could update Touka.

'...Nishiki-kun mentioned something like that.' Kimi looks thoughtful, 'He tells me that Kaneki-san is an idiot,' Touka gives her a look, but Kimi continues, holding back a chuckle, 'But I don't think so. Kaneki-san is an incredibly kind man; he doesn't want you to worry about him, so he tries not to mention hospital stuff.'

Touka goes quiet, evaluating Kimi's words.

'Kirishima-san, may I ask you something?'

'May—I guess.'

'Do you feel guilty about Kaneki-san's situation?'

'Huh? W-why would I feel guilty?'

'Kirishima-san, I understand... how you feel. I can't stand Nishiki-kun working at that dangerous job, just like how he hates my long hours. But he pretends he's okay with it, and supports me and always tells me how proud he is,' Kimi goes a little off track, but her eyes are sparkling and Touka can't help but feel soft.

'You hate what has happened to Kaneki-san... but, at the same time, you also feel relived. Because he doesn't have to constantly put himself in danger anymore.'

'And it's okay... to think like that. It's not selfish, to want to have the one you love out of harms way.'

In Touka's stunned silence (she hadn't expected anyone would recognise her feelings, but it makes sense for Kimi to, and she feels better and soothed), someone approaches Kimi. There's a small conversation, and Kimi sends an apologetic look to Touka, waiting for the hospital member to leave before speaking again.

'Kirishima-san, I've got to go now. I'm sorry.'

Kimi has already begun to leave, stopping when she hears a hoarse 'thank you'. She turns, meeting Touka's teary gaze, giving her a wide smile, which she meekly returns.

The corridors are bustling with staff and patients and people, and Touka decides she should go home now, to Kaneki.

She travels along the corridors, and despite the years that have passed, some of the nurses recognise Touka and are very kind as they greet her and ask her how she's been.

The exit is close, and by chance, Touka turns her head, and sees a sight that makes her shocked and confused and angry.

'What the fuck?'

The door is there, right in front of her, and Touka couldn't give a shit as she pushes it open and stares.

'Kaneki?' The doctor doesn't bother stopping with his work, and continues to pick the glass out of Kaneki's bleeding hand. Kaneki looks calm, then suddenly startles and whimpers as the doctor rips his skin a little more (it's his fault for moving so unpredictably).

'Touka-chan? What are you doing here?' His eyes are wide, pupils blown, his body frozen and rigid because she is in front of him.

She completely ignores him. 'What happened to you? Why... are you bleeding, and... is that glass?' Her worry grows as he stays quiet, and she holds herself back from shouting to get his attention (she would, but she doesn't want to disturb the doctor). Kaneki gives her a look that is pleading, and she realises he is basically begging her to leave. Instead, she takes a seat, to watch and wait.

'I'm going to stay here with you, and then we're going home.' There is so much she wants to say, but all she can do is put her head in her hands and try to ignore her throat catching up.

-

They leave with Kaneki having a fresh new bandage on his hand, and Touka having too many questions. The journey back is silent.

-

'The mirror broke.' Kaneki blurts. It's dumb to say when it's so obvious, but Touka hasn't spoken for a few minutes, simply overlooking the damage in the bathroom.

'I can see that,' she replies dryly, guilt coming over her when she sees his hurt expression. 'But it's okay, we'll just buy a new one.' There's a curiosity in her when Kaneki grimaces, 'How... did it happen?'

'I don't know.' Both know it's a lie. Her lips part and her eyebrow raises, but the room feels sombre now, and Kaneki's lip is trembling, so she decides not to push it. She'll get answers another day.

'I'm glad... you're not too hurt... that it doesn't seem... that bad,' It's the truth, and Touka tries hard not to notice the stains forming on his fresh bandages, though her eyes are already filling up. 'Do you need anything?'

'No,' he coughs, 'I'm fine.'

He's obviously not, and it pains her as she keeps quiet - she doesn't want to confront this now (even if she was so determined to earlier), but she has to.

She really does.

'What were you expecting to do when you got home?'

'I... don't know.' His voice is weak.

Touka gives a bitter smile, 'But you weren't planning to call and tell me. It's not like you could pretend nothing happened... did you think you would get home before me and clear it all up and tell me some lie that wouldn't worry me?'

She's right. She's so right. That was exactly his plan.

'I'm tired,' he blurts and leaves the room, an obvious excuse for him to avoid talking about whatever the hell happened.

He retires to bed early that night, and doesn't sleep, listening to Touka sweeping as she clears the bathroom. When the mattress sinks with Touka's weight, he pretends to be asleep, even when he hears sniffling, and later a sob chocked by her attempts to silence herself. His body goes heavy with dread, and he can't find any sleep, even when the noises have cleared up and she is breathing heavily but steadily beside him.

Boyfriends don't make their partner cry.

After morning comes, after a long night of staring at the ceiling, Kaneki leaves the bed, pain aching throughout his body, in search of painkillers. His bandage is dirtied with blood, but Kaneki doesn't care. He passes the bathroom and finds that the mirror has gotten worse in the hours of the night, that some loose shards have fallen. He can't just ignore the mess (Touka could hurt herself if she doesn't notice it) and crouches down.

He really is trying to be careful, so he moves slow as he picks up the glass, in so much concentration not to do anything stupid that he doesn't notice when Touka walks in and releases a huge gasp, doesn't notice until she squats down beside him and tightly grips his arm so that he can't move it.

'What the hell are you doing?' Her voice is low as she slowly tips his hand to release the shards threatening to aggravate his injury, 'If you wanted to use the bathroom, you should've just woken me up so I could clean this up, instead of trying to do it yourself!'

'I'm...' he stops, not even sure of what he could say now. At his silence, Touka storms out, grabbing the broom as she gently shoves Kaneki away.

'You have to let me help you...' it's a whisper, but he hears, and she thinks, and thinks because she needs to confront him, '...Did something happen at that appointment, because you've been acting funny and closed off since you got back.'

'N-no... it went well. Better than I thought.' He points to his eye, even if that's the reason for his solemnness.

'Then why are you acting like this?'

'Like what?'

'Distant... or sad - I don't know! I just want to help you.'

'I'm really fine, Touka-chan.' He adds a small (false) chuckle in his attempt to calm her down.

'And I thought you would be happy that you're finally... you again.' It's so quiet that he almost doesn't catch it, and realises that Touka hadn't intended for him to hear her.

'How am I me?' He snaps, 'Everything's changed. I'm not... me.'

Kaneki was Kaneki before he was in a stupid accident, before he became unemployed and unable to do anything without help - he's just useless and bothersome.

'W-what?'

'Just ignore me.'

That gets her pissed.

'No! We won't ignore each other. You have to tell me things, and not pretend that you're fine and not in pain and you can do everything on your own.'

What the hell is Touka talking about? He's not doing any of that.

'I... love you... W-why aren't you asking for help. I don't want to see you like this... You somehow fucked a mirror up and won't even tell me how it happened! Do you know how sick I felt when I'm walking in the hospital and I find you there with more injuries! I felt like I was about to have a heart attack and you just brushed it off and lied to me!' Her voice cracks, 'Please, Kaneki. I feel like the only one trying here. I want to be there for you.' It's all she wants, and she's so selfish to be happy that he is home, with her. She needs him.

Kaneki looks away and hides his face. He is such a burden, he really is. Since he got injured in that accident, she's had to deal with his problems.

She does everything.

He's always been an early riser, so she wakes up with him, to help him shower, and she washes his hair and feeds him breakfast, taking her time even if she has to rush to get her own stuff done. On her lunch break, she runs back to the apartment, just to make him food and help him eat, check that he's okay before she leaves without a bite. She gets home, tired with sore muscles (she never admits it, but he can see her fatigue as she walks) and devotes all her time to him, giving him the comfort he needs, waiting for when he's ready to go to bed.

She cooks, she cleans, she does everything while he just lies on a couch all day.

What can he do, except rely on Touka to make him happy and feel good about himself, and when he's alone he is just waiting for her. It's like an emptiness that doesn't go away unless she's by his side.

He can't make her constantly care for him - it's selfish, it's horrible.

'I... don't need your help. I can take care of myself.' He winces as he lies through his teeth, watching as Touka's lips curve from shock to a scowl.

'You must think you're really funny, to be joking, even now! Look at yourself, your hand! Is that what you call 'taking care of yourself', where I leave for work and in the next hour you're in the fucking hospital!'

It's all true, but he doesn't want her to know it. 'Why were you there anyway, I thought you said you were going to work.' Touka chooses to ignore his harsh tone. He's just trying to change the subject.

'Yomo-san told me to go home, to take care of you.' She hisses, 'I know he scares you a little and isn't the best at talking to people, but even he is looking out for you. He decided to take on the burden of :re on his own, for both you and me, and you're acting like a dick about it. What was the point?!'

'Then go!' He says, 'Fucking go help him if it's that pointless. Don't waste your time here.'

'W-what?' She reels - he's never spoken to her like that.

'You heard me.' He wills himself not to let his voice waver.

_I'm sorry._

His gaze flickers to Touka, and he regrets everything. Her expression is more than hurt, worse than before.

Her eyes shine, and she doesn't turn fast enough to hide the tear that spills down her cheek. His breath catches in this throat, and before he can do anything, Touka runs out, accidentally slamming the door in her haste.

Useless. He can't do at least one thing right, except prove to himself how fucking horrible he is. It's the second time Touka's cried, it's the second time he couldn't comfort her, even when she did it for him in his times of vulnerability. He doesn't know exactly what he was trying to do in that argument, but it didn't involve making her sad. He just wanted... to stop making her worry so much.

He grabs his phone, immediately calling her. She doesn't answer, even when he tries three times (it's not like he can blame her). It's all his fault - he needs to amend himself.

His thumb brushes his phone, going through his contacts as he takes a calming sigh and calls another number.

'Hello? Nishio-senpai? I... really fucked up.'

-

The buzz of her phone distracts her, but only makes her feel worse when it turns out to be Kaneki. Touka doesn't answer, and doesn't bother to check when he rings three more times. She keeps walking, brisk and sharp, hoping that keeping her head down will stop strangers from noticing her glistening cheeks and trembling lips and red eyes.

Deep breaths are all she can do in an attempt to calm herself down - she wants to look normal when she gets to the cafe (it's not like she has anywhere else to go, and there's no way she can go back to the apartment).

Yomo shoots her a look as soon as she walks in, and the customers are luckily busy. She hopes she looks normal now, but that doesn't seem to be the case, as he looks concerned.

'Yomo-san, please let me take over your shift. And don't try to argue with me. Please.' It's a whisper, a beg, but Yomo hears her, and is kind enough to take off his apron, giving Touka a curt nod and an unusual, affectionate hand on her head before leaving.

From there, it is easy for Touka to lose herself into work, wiping a table or cleaning a dish every moment Kaneki comes back into her thoughts.

Hours pass, and the last customer has left. Touka knows no one else will be coming (it's more the time for visiting bars than coffee shops). On any other day this would be great for her, as she would get back to Kaneki much quicker, but she doesn't want to face him, not yet anyway.

There must be something she can do to pass the time.

-

'Nishio-senpai... thank you... f-for coming.'

'Whatever,' Nishiki says, brushing past Kaneki, 'Let's get it over with. This is about Touka, so talk.'

'I— Okay,' His hands twiddle together, trying to find some peace as Nishiki gives him an expectant look.

Kaneki speaks. He talks about everything that has happened with Touka, that has happened in general, even the appointment he made Nishiki wait outside for.

Nishiki listens attentively, with slow and understanding nods. When Kaneki has finally finished, his response is blunt, and true, and a little hurtful.

'So you're throwing a hissy fit and acting like a little bitch.'

'I-I guess... that's probably the right way to word it.' He licks his dry lips, 'I've been cold to Touka. I made her cry. Twice.' He can feel his lip tremble, pathetically, 'How can she forgive me?'

'You're an idiot.' Nishiki's blunt, a little annoyed at his friend's ability to be so stupid, 'I don't think Touka cares about all that. Sure, you made her upset, but it's not like it's the end of your relationship. You guys love each other too much... I wouldn't make such a big deal about this.'

He's still at a loss, but he nods, and averts his eyes. Could Touka really forgive him?'

 _That guy thinks too much._ Nishiki gives him a blank stare, surprising Kaneki when he grabs his mouth, squishing him.

'Stop being so dramatic about a silly argument when you know Touka's gonna forgive you anyway.'

'W-will she?' He can feel the ring against his chest, 'How do I make this better?' He wants to fix everything, right now, but he doesn't even know how to start.

Nishiki has to suppress a groan. This guy - always wanting to jump in head first.

'Kaneki, before you think about confronting Touka, you need to understand your own feelings. You can't just tell a woman like that you're sorry - she's gonna want answers, and you're gonna have to give them... Do your best to... describe whatever's been bothering you. Now.'

Kaneki can totally do that. Definitely. He's always been great at figuring out his own feelings. Totally. Yeah.

It shouldn't be too hard.

His fingers hover around the edge of his eyepatch, 'I thought I was fine at first... after I got back from the hospital, but it's just... different now. I guess. Now I'm all healed and basically back to how I was, but I feel more useless than ever.'

It's a start, but he's slowly getting there.

'I-it started with my eye - I looked at it... and I just felt angry at myself. I guess. I-it's just that... that I've been feeling li-like... a part of me is gone.'

His words grab Nishiki's attention, and he stares at Kaneki, before his eyes go soft. He speaks gently, and slow, finally understanding what is bothering Kaneki so much.

'Is this about losing your job?'

Nishiki watches Kaneki intently, watching how he pales and his shoulders straighten. It's obviously the problem, and the idiot didn't even realise.

Kaneki shocks, then thinks and thinks until his head is hurting and Nishiki is a little concerned by the long silence.

'I— maybe, I-I guess. It could be. I think.' It makes so much sense.

The narrow stare he receives is telling Kaneki to keep talking. He doesn't know what to say, but then he does, and the words tumble from his shaky lips.

'It's been my life for years, b-before Touka-chan and I started our relationship. My life was so... empty then, and then I got into the academy, and it became my dream, m-my one passion.'

'And books.' Nishiki snorts, and Kaneki smirks. His mood turns sombre again.

'It distracted me from how lonely I was, and it made me feel... like I was— I wasn't... useless.'

In a way, Nishiki understands. The job makes him feel like that too, makes him feel important and worthy enough to be with someone as amazing as Kimi.

'There's always someone who needs you, and that's Touka. She loves you and you love her back. You're not lonely anymore.'

'I know.' He really does. He loves her, more than anyone, more than his job. In the seriousness of the moment, Kaneki trembles, and bows, his voice raising slightly, 'Please tell me how I can fix this!'

Nishiki puts his hand on Kaneki's shoulder, comforting him, 'You just have to talk to her. Instead of lying, you need to run your mouth off so much she tells you to shut up, alright? That's how you two will go back to being disgustingly corny with each other.'

Nishiki pauses, pushing his glasses back as he sports a thoughtful gaze.

'You're acting like the accident is the worst thing that could ever happen to you, but I think you're lucky... Even if I do miss having you around, I'm kinda jealous of you.'

_What?_

Kaneki's silence and wide eyes and parted mouth prompt Nishiki to explain further, somewhat hesitantly.

'We work long, long hours, y'know. So when I get back, I don't have a lot of time with Kimi. Maybe we could have more, but her job is fucking long as well, so I never see her. I don't have the time to visit her at the hospital... I always miss Kimi, so... yeah, I'm envious, of you and Touka, getting to see each other whenever... I want that.'

Kaneki's throat dries as he watches Nishiki, surprised. He hadn't looked at it that way, taking all that time with her for granted.

Kaneki has always known that Touka hates his job, hates the danger and the early mornings and late nights. Mornings with Touka-chan were when she was at her most vulnerable, and honest.

_'Don't go,' she whispers, tugging his sleeve._

_'I have to, Touka-chan.'_

_She lets out a soft laugh, throat quivering, and her voice small, barely above a whisper, 'I know.'_

Maybe... Touka is glad... that he is always home.

A chime rings out, distracting Kaneki. It's obviously Nishiki, as he pulls out his phone, typing something before shoving it back in his pocket.

'I-I'm terrible.'

'You're not, you're just dense. And stop crying - it's ugly. The only thing you can do is tell Touka what you told me, and hope she forgives you. Which she will.'

Nishiki lets out a small and encouraging smile, relaxing the sniffling Kaneki, 'You should go to her.'

'I don't even know where she is.'

'She's at :re,' Nishiki sighs, 'Kimi texted me. Where else did you think she would go?'

'Thank you, Nishio-senpai.'

-

Kaneki runs.

He had bolted out the apartment, ignoring Nishiki's shouts of 'what am I supposed to do' (he just leaves, not really giving a shit). There's no point in waiting for Touka to get home when he is desperate to see her, to apologise.

So he runs, and at some point it starts to rain, hard, but he doesn't falter, sprinting until he is under the shelter of :re's entrance. There is music playing, and when he puts his face to the glass to get a better look, he sees her, slouched over a table.

His hands rest on the door, then flatten, then shove with much more intensity than needed (his idea was to get Touka's attention, believing that the door would be locked). He cringes as the frame rattles against the wall, making a sound louder than the thunder outside. Touka shoots up, and screams.

She regains herself, clutching her chest, turning her head to look to the noise. The fear she feels quickly turns to dread, when she sees Kaneki. She stares.

'S-sorry,' he mumbles, 'I thought the door would be locked.'

'You're soaked.'

'That doesn't matter. Touka-chan, I—'

He stops, breathing hard. His hand goes to his chest, grasping her ring through his clothes, and pulling it out. He holds it tight in his palm, for courage.

There's only one true reason he is here, and that's to say—

'I'm sorry.'

'There's nothing to be sorry for.' Touka's reply is quick, but he can see the sorrow on her features, can still imagine that tear.

It doesn't surprise him that Touka is protesting, but she's wrong, because he needs to explain himself.

'I... snapped at you... I made you cry. I've been terrible to you lately... so, p-please hear me out.' He doesn't want to be interrupted, doesn't want to hear her attempts to prove him wrong, just for his sake. A relationship takes effort on both sides.

He approaches her and grabs her hand, and relishes the warmth he feels. It gives him encouragement to continue, because she needs to hear this more than he needs to say it.

The ring is pressed between their hands, and she feels the need to cry. Kaneki looks at her, eyes heavy.

'I've been different. The truth is, I thought I was bothering you. I couldn't do anything for myself, and you had to rush and overwork yourself, and I felt guilty. You did everything for me.'

'And I've been feeling sorry for myself. Because my injuries got me fired. The mirror...' he flexes his hand, feeling awkward to admit what happened, 'I actually punched it, like an idiot, because I... took off my eyepatch and couldn't handle myself. I was angry, because that damage cost me my job.'

'When I was a fireman, it... always made me feel important. I've been doing it for years. I enjoyed helping people. So when I was... let go... I wasn't needed anymore. And since I lost that, I felt like a part of me was missing.'

'I've been pitying myself all this time, and I've hurt you, and now... I realise how lucky I am.' Fortunately, talking to Nishiki had made it easier to explain himself without too much hesitation, but he still needs to catch his breath (it has been running short for a while in his speech). His grip tightens on her hands as he stares at their feet, afraid of her reaction, which is complete shock.

That's... how he feels?

His job has always been so important to him, so she should've realised his problems were related to that. She feels bad, and quickly quashes it, because his intentions were an honest reveal of his struggles and not to guilt her.

He said something she doesn't understand, and she wants to ask about it.

'You... you think you're lucky?' She has to swallow before she speaks, her throat still dry.

'We both are. You always hated my job, Touka-chan, You hated the risks, and you were right. I got hurt.' His gaze pierces hers, 'Nishio-senpai told me what happened on _that_ day, how you showed up and cried while I was inside. That's what we were talking about when we got back from the hospital. I'm sorry... to have put you through that. I should've been more careful.'

She blinks, rapidly; her voice comes out hoarse, 'Do you blame yourself?'

Her free arm goes to wrap around him when he startles, pulling him close.

'No,' he sighs, and calms down, squeezing her hand close to his chest. 'I'm just sorry everything affected you.'

If he can be honest, bare his every emotion to her, then she can too.

'You're right.' She says, quick, 'I hated your job, s-so much.' She cuts herself off from speaking further, her throat closing up and eyes burning, and shakes her head when Kaneki nuzzles her with a murmur of 'it's not good to keep things in.'

'Please,' Kaneki says, 'it's okay to tell me, I want to know,' and his voice is so gentle and he's holding her so nicely that she swallows and tries.

'I-I worried all... all the time. You were gone for so long, and when I came back from the cafe you were never there... and I didn't expect you to be... but I would feel so nauseous I could barely eat... I went to bed alone for so many nights and woke up when you left. I always missed you. You were never home and I was so lonely.'

She takes a short pause, to breathe, 'A-and I was always afraid you'd get hurt one day, and you always reassured me you'd be fine... and I... I believed you. And then... when the accident happened—' Her voice is trembling so much that a sob breaks out, cutting her off. 'I-I'm sorry.'

'Touka...'

Maybe... she needed this comfort more than him. Kaneki truly is selfish, to not think about Touka in all this. Even though she had told him countlessly how she didn't like when he put himself in danger, everyday, he had ignored her, had gone to work without much consideration because it made him feel good about himself.

He grips her tight, with a silent plea to continue, even though he can feel his chest tightening with the rawness of her words.

'I was... so scared. You looked so bad when you came out... but then Amon-kun told you you couldn't work anymore... a-and I was so happy... because you would be home... with me. And I-I'm still happy.'

She hides herself in his chest, shaking and clenching her teeth, to repress a sob, and hope he doesn't feel her tears.

'Touk-' he pauses, putting a hand in her hair, her back, pulling her to him. He's always so selfish. 'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.' He leans back slightly, grabs her cheeks and feels her tears, looks directly into her red eyes, to steel himself.

'Touka-chan, I will... always miss that job... because I'm... I'm grateful to it.'

She blinks, processing his words, and scowls, 'What the hell could you possibly be grateful for?'

'If I didn't have that job,' he starts, and feels embarrassing tears building in his eyes, 'I never would have met you, Touka-chan. You're... the love of my life.'

She clutches him so tightly as she kisses him, and he is shocked only for a moment before he is responding. Touka pulls away first, and Kaneki touches his lips daintily, watching her do the same.

'Touka-chan... do you forgive me?' He has to ask, has to be sure.

She manages a kind smile, even if she thought her answer was clear enough, 'Of course, idiot.'

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading (I'm not really sure about this fic at all - at some points I liked it but at others I thought it's okay but at the same time...) 
> 
> The next chapter is part 4, and they're two separate one-shots that follow very closely after one another that I thought I might as well put them into the same work.


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